Top 9 Afflictions of Fashionably Late Moms
After sharing Wednesday’s not-so-uplifting realities of getting pregnant in our 40s, I thought I’d complete my fashionably late mom series on a lighter note. For those of us who successfully conceived and gave birth later in life (or are considering doing so), here is my list of top afflictions facing “old moms.”
1. Mid-life Memory Loss. Pretty much all of my friends in their 40s forget what they are saying and doing on a regular basis, and having a young child (or children) only exacerbates the situation. Especially if your children are babies or toddlers and more dependent on you for everything from clean diapers to a bottle of formula. Perhaps my tips for forgetful parents can help jog your memory.
2. Abrupt Onset Wrinkles. Sooner or later we all get wrinkles and laugh. I get it (even if I don’t embrace it). But I believe they start to accumulate at an exponential rate when you are raising small children. My real concern is that my child looks at my face, then the faces of other parents, and thinks: “Why does my mommy’s face look different than everyone else’s?” My only advice here is to lather on the eye cream and hope for the best, even if you’re still a young ‘un.
3. Gray Hair-Itis. Though this condition afflicts areas of our body besides our scalp in our 40s or possibly sooner, I am most thankful for hair dyes which make it nearly curable, or at least coverable, in this location. (There are also Brazilian waxes, which help treat other locations).
4. Energy Deficit Disorder. My friends in their 20s and 30s never cease to amaze me. Their kids are involved in multiple sports, they never miss a practice and rarely skip another kid’s birthday party. They are on multiple boards, donate a good chunk of time to charity, and plan outings for every night of the weekend. There’s simply not enough gas in the tank to keep up with them, so my advice is to enjoy a mellow lifestyle running on “E.” And possibly take an eClass to get your groove back.
5. Menopause Intolerance. Sleeping is a non-negotiable now, as a lack of sleep results in a complete lack of functionality the next day (and intensifies mid-life amnesia as well). And since insomnia is another blissful symptom of perimenopause, if you get awakened by a child or dog in the middle of the night (since your spouse could apparently sleep through a cyclone), there’s a good chance you won’t drift back to sleep for at least another hour. This assumes you haven’t woken up in a pool of your own sweat.
6. Declining Metabolism Disease. If gray hairs, wrinkles, deteriorating muscle mass and reduced flexibility aren’t enough, our metabolism has to slow down, too. And it’s tougher to find energy to exercise, even if we actually find the time. But looking on the bright side, we do burn some extra calories chasing after our children.
7. Irritable Exercise Syndrome. Remember our 20s, when we could get home from work at 5 or 6 and still have energy to go to the gym or run? And if that didn’t work, we’d just delay our exercise routine till after dinner, around 8 or 9? Now, in our 40s, we are about to pass out by 5. Not to mention, we have to get dinner on the table before our wee ones have a meltdown. Debi Silber, also known as the Mojo Coach, suggests the following: “Whether you work out first thing in the morning or later, keep a gym bag packed and hit the gym before you come home, trade babysitting services with a friend, etc. Make sure you take the time!”
8. Multiple Stress Disorder. Stress used to be defined by bad dates, work deadlines or party planning. Now, it’s making sure mouths are fed, clothes are cleaned, beds are made and diapers are changed. All while we still meet that work deadline, keep our spouses happy, find time to plan a family vacation and organize play dates. Simply put, the stress rises and responsibilities increase, again exacerbated by mid-life insomnia and energy deficit disorder. Learning to outsource some of those responsibilities is a good form of therapy.
9. Borderline Sex Goddess Dysfunction. While dealing with all these other afflications, we’re supposed to be a sex goddess, too. Putting on our negligees, seductive tunes and lighting candles. I guess this is supposed to happen sometime after the kids go to bed (see Fatigue Syndrome) or before they get up (conflicts with treatment for Irritable Exercise Syndrome), if we can remember to do it at all (see Mid-Life Memory Loss). Go easy on yourself. You’re not the only one who doesn’t want to do it every night.
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